Off again!

I can't do this anymore! I can't find the colors I want to show and feel! But I... I betrayed you today. I joined wordpress and now I have a blog there. I found the colors and the feel of it... And now to try one last cheap move ;)

I don't know..

...what to do.
This quasi-relationship that is part play, part seduction, part pure thrill, and 100% dangerous is too much of a turn-on to completely ignore or shut out, but of course... as always.. I know better >.<
I hate having common sense sometimes. I'm not going to say anything.. he did once but I let it slide because I don't want it to end and I don't want things to change, but eventually, something will change and, one way or another, I'll have to decide. I know what my end choice will be, it's the in-between one that I don't know about.
How much will my master permit before he draws his line?
How much is too much?

So Scared....

Well I know I'm not to blame but I feel more than a little responsible for the issues my Jaysin is having right now. I'm scared that the reason his mother wants him home tonight is to tell him he's no longer welcome in her house... No matter what happens though we are going over to Brian's later to get blazed and smashed... We'll need it I'm sure...

I hate myself

I will twist, turn, jump though hoops, and do anything just to be with him for a little bit longer.. Why can't I just take what I can get instead of trying anything and everything.

I didn't... and BLARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

Jaysin wouldn't have liked it at all... And he left class in a hurry to come and see/fuck me so it's all good :)

The reason for the overdone nastiness in the title is as follows. Friday night, Jaysin and I are blazed, happy, and munching on Chinese take-out... Gavin comes over. It was unexpected and Gavin stays over and wants to watch a movie. So instead of going to bed and fucking, we stay up and watch movie... and then we're tired and Jaysin's being lazy so I don't get laid...

Next morning, I get out of bed and of course; PERIOD TIME! I was pissed! It's my birthday and I don't get any. Darn. Damn. Shit. Fuck. Cunt. Let's all do the cuss word dance shall we?

Strange...

I am waiting for a text from my sweet slave who has to be in class right now instead of with me. I'm with a friend and I'm very, very horny...
 
Said friend is in possession of a dildo (none of which I have) and his condition for the usage of said pleasure object is that he gets to watch and jerk off to it. I don't mind, since he's seen me do that before, but my pet most likely will, so I'm making sure he's okay with it before doing anything.

I've ranted before about loyalty, and I would never, ever do something that would make my pet uncomfortable... but but but but but but but..... argh >.<

....He's replied that I can if I want but he doesn't want me to... grrr fine I won't..... but I still get to use the dildo apparently so bye-bye for now....

Whoopsies!

Well... I may get in trouble... But it's always worth it, don't you think?? That extra element of risk is so rewarding.. and once you've slipped past that boundary you can't go back...

I'm a bitch

There must be something wrong with me. A normal person shouldn't get this angry when denied sex. But he's MY pet! He shouldn't have a choice when and how he gets fucked and I don't care that he says he's tired. He's not that exhausted even, he'd just rather play his video games and not bother with me. It may sound childish, but I am insulted by it.

I'm watching him play Oblivion and getting more and more frustrated by the minute. My instinct should be to fight back and deny him my self, but he knows he has the upper hand in this because I always want him! I may own everything that he is, but he has a tighter grip on me than I could even dream about having on him.

I am the most love-stricken, helpless Mistress there is... I am so ashamed.

Don't you love quickies?

And aren't they especially fun when you know your mother will be picking you up in under 10 minutes?

I have to say though, it was a fun surprise. I just wanted to see him cum, didn't think my pet was awake enough to fuck me but when he asked... so SWEET! Delicious, don't you know, practically begging me to eat him up!

So I did...

With my cunt instead of my mouth... *grin*

I really don't know why I give in whenever he begs so prettily... guess it shows who's really in charge here. Except I have him so neatly wrapped around my cock that I wouldn't know where I end and he begins.

Random Fact of the Day: I suffer from extreme penis-envy...

Be Free

I want you to pretend that it's all okay
I want you to look up and smile in the rain
Watch your eyes shine blue when you smile at me
When I close my eyes, yours are all I see

      I want to see you happy
      I want you to be free
      Don't lie to me, baby
      You can't hurt me
      Anymore...

Nod and wave with a plastic smile
Copy-pasted from the default file
Wear a mask, a generic grin
A wall of pain, please let me in

      I want to see you happy
      I want you to be free
      Don't lie to me, baby
      You can't hurt me
      Anymore...

          Your definition for yourself
          You're nothing like anyone else
          You stand alone, a nightmare's dream
          The loneliest thing I've ever seen
          I want you to be free
          I just want to see you breathe
          There's beginnings that you haven't met
          This world hasn't ended yet

      I want to see you happy
      I want you to be free
      Don't lie to me, baby
      You can't hurt me
      Anymore...

Stepping Stone

You've only ever been a stepping stone
You've only ever been let down
In our twisted love, who knows what's true
All I ever do is walk on you

Beaten, Bruised
We're a pair us two
Battered, Broken
I'm just like you
Rejected, Shattered
We fall on each other
Unloved, Alone
You're my guilty pleasure

We say it's just fun so we don't get hurt
You say you don't want me as just yours
We lie to ourselves, the world, each other
Pretend we don't care, hide in our armour

Beaten, Bruised
We're a pair us two
Battered, Broken
I'm just like you
Rejected, Shattered
We fall on each other
Unloved, Alone
You're my guilty pleasure

    Baby, stop pretending you don't care!
    Cuz, yeah, I give a shit about you!
    He broke my heart. They've broken yours.
    Doesn't mean that I can't love you too!

Beaten, Bruised
We're a pair us two
Battered, Broken
I'm just like you
Rejected, Shattered
We fall on each other
Unloved, Alone
You're my guilty pleasure

My Reason

Don't give me a reason to hate you
Don't give me a reason to die
Don't tell me that I'll forget you
Don't give me that pale, white lie

You're my reason
You're my hope
You're my love
You make me home
Push me away, I'll come right back
Don't fight it baby, just relax

Ooops! And Oh Dear....

I should never be allowed near the Internet while I'm drinking.... The most awful things tend to happen.

I had another one of those amazing weekends. ;) And the best part is that it isn't over yet. Just had the most exquisite train of thought brought my attention by one of my favourite erotica writers Redbud and now I'll be spending the rest rest of the afternoon wondering what my pet would do.

While he is mine to do with as I see fit, I know I love him too much to be unfaithful to him, and I consider it a cruel thing to use my pet as I see fit and then let others besides him please me. If we didn't switch roles so often it might matter less but I belong to him as much as he belongs to me and I would never willingly betray that bond.

If however, he wished and wanted it...

I don't know what I might be prevailed upon to do, or how far I might go...

A picture I found

just a pic I found on my Jaysin's computer that I really like.

I'll probably be finding more soon

OH GOD!

I am very drunk.

I just let him fuck me without a condom... and cum inside of me.

Sexually, I feel amazing, though a little sore. The tiny reasonable part of my brain is telling me I may have become pregnant this afternoon. The rest of me isn't caring. If I didn't have to pee so bad I'd wank my self into oblivion over and over again.

Speaking of which.. now I have an urge to play Eldar Scrolls IV.. but first I have to pee lol...

Here's to amazing supportive boyfriends who double as wanton darling slaves!

Sunlight

It's funny how much more miserable the world can look at 3 A.M.

Mothers are idiotic... "I stuck this thread in here thinking it was the lanyard slot but it turns out it was the microSD card thingy and now I can't get it out." Doesn't matter that the poor mp3 is already half-smashed and will only turn on and not play anything... she STILL wants me to fix it >.<

Yeah I know computers but I'm not the Jesus of technology! I can't take a broken mp3 wave my hands, utter a few words and boom! Every thing's working again and I upgraded with a few extra GBs.

Speaking of which... where the hell IS my iPod?

Cold...

I'm sitting here hoping that he's not actually offline, that he might reply just once to say goodnight. My hands are freezing and I'm hating my self for being so needy and pathetic.

I am nothing alone. I live through others and cannot exist without someone else. I cannot exist without him. I know we've been incomparably lucky to be able to see each other every day, but the hint of the fact that tomorrow I might not see him; that tomorrow I will be alone in this stinking house full of people the entire day... That terrifies me. I cannot face it. I cannot "deal" with it! If I don't see him tomorrow... If anything ever happens to him... If I ever end up alone...

I sit here and dig my nails into the palms of my hands, trying to reason with this black fear that creeps over me and catches my breath, choking me into submission. I don't think sleep will come easy tonight...

Submissive's Manifesto

My thanks to WarriorQueen for this. Not all of it is mine but so much rings true I wish to share it.

i am a submissive woman…
i find pleasure, joy and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship

i am not weak, or stupid. i am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what i want out of my life.

i do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.

i look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am i more complete than when He is with me.

i know that He will protect my body, my mind and my soul with His strength and wisdom.

He is everything to me, as i am everything to Him.
His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.

Only in serving Him do i find complete freedom and joy.



His punishments are harsh, but i accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.

If He desires my body for pleasure, i shall joyfully give it to Him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that i have brought Him happiness.

However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship.

The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.



my body is His, and if He says i am beautiful, then i am.

No matter what i look like to others, i am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that i hold my head high for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me?

If He says i am His princess, then i am that…regal and graceful.

And if i see laughter at me in the eyes of others, i do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong?

If He says i am His toy, His slut, His tramp, then i am that…as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.



my mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know as only He can.
i have no secrets from Him…for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being perfectly His.

Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself…and i do not want walls.

His lessons are not always ones i would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided i need, and so i learn from Him.

my soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when i kneel naked at His feet.

Never a moment goes by when i do not feel his presence, be He miles away or standing over me.

If i were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be.

The anguish of my soul that i feel when i disappoint Him is harder to bear than the physical anguish i feel when His belt caresses me with fire.



i spend my days knowing that the energy and thought He puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for His, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together.

i am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously.

i am a submissive woman. i am proud to call myself that.

my submission is a gift that i do not give lightly, and can only be given to One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.

Only to He who has that strength will i give myself fully, because i am strong and proud.

A Valentine's Day Weekend

72 hours....
8 condoms...
*grin*

I had to record it... it was certainly one of the most interesting weekends I've had with Jaysin...
yes I suppose that some would find it a bit excessive..

Don't really have much to say 'cept it was quite a bit of fun, especially distracting him from Fallout...

What gamer objects to a blow-job while he's playing and of course once he let me get away with that I wasn't going to leave empty-handed... so to speak. I love the way he pretends he doesn't want it, but he can be such an obvious slut when he wants it. I admit I initiated most of the 8 sessions but I was ovulating.

It would have been the perfect weekend if I hadn't been coughing out my brains most of the time. This cold has been irritating me for over a week now and I am "sick" of it.
eep!

I have class soon unfortunately so I'll digress on my misery later...

My Little Slut... I Am Your Whore

That was an interesting night!

Started out with the strangest thing. I had just bought a new pair of of little pink thongs and was taking them off the hanger when my darling puppy Jaysin asked me in a shy voice. "Can I try them on?"

This had secretly been a fantasy of mine but I thought it was one I would keep locked up forever due to the fact that he seems way too masculine to even try it. But I should have known my little slut better than that. Now I'm going to have to buy him a few more pairs.. but larger.. I think he's stretched those ones beyond recovery. Anyway once he got them on I scrambled to find a way to get a picture of it. Finally did, and I'd share but he'd probably cheerfully strangle me. The whole process turned him on immensely and he was ready to go when I got them off of him. I really hate periods, don't you? I stood above him and watched him jerk off, the little slut that he is.

We started watching a movie and partway through I just needed to be played with. I begged him to "rape me above the waist" and he proceeded to use my breasts, my hands and my mouth as he willed. I am so happy to be in a Switch relationship. I love to Dom but sometimes being a sub and being told what I am allowed to do and NOT is exactly what I need. I love him so much when he takes control and uses me to get off. 

For a night where I thought that we'd be sitting there bored with a movie it was actually quite productive... *grin*

What now?

I started journaling on deviantArt (here) but I found that it didn't really give me the creative outlet I needed.

So I will try blogging and see if I can make my words say what they're meant to here.